Admit It, You've Drunk Shopped
Who hasn't had a few too many drinks, only to wake up and see "Your Amazon.com Order Confirmation" in their inbox with no recollection of what they bought? In a way, it's an adult version of Christmas; open it up and be surprised! On the hand, it can be a little disconcerting (and expensive) since we don't often make the best decisions when inebriated. However, if you're going to drunk shop anyway, we've discovered some of the best and funniest items you can buy on Amazon while kicking back a few cocktails or glasses of wine.
I'm Only Having One Glass, I'm Totally Sober
This oversized extra large wine glass holds 33 ounces and gives new meaning to "I'm only having one glass of wine." After all, it's 9" tall and holds a full bottle of wine. Some people call it a "gag gift" and other people will be all too happy to have one of these glasses in their house. Drunken logic? "I don't have to get up and refill my glass if I keep the bottle in the kitchen" or "When I'm tipsy, I tend to spill when I am pouring more wine-I won't do that if the whole bottle is in one glass, now, will I?" Either way, we feel like Amy Schumer would approve.
Look at Me! I'm a Horse!
How hilarious would it be to put this in the bed next to your partner or roommate? When you're drunk, owning a horse head mask seems like the funniest idea in the world. Plus, think of all the adventures you could have in the world wearing it. Walk around the park and see how confused people are. Wear it to work and act like everyone else is the weirdo. Become a professional horse impersonator. Reenact The Godfather horse head scene. All of these ideas seem like fantastic plans until the next morning when you're left wondering why you wanted to have a horse head mask in the first place.
I Really Should Get a Chia Donald Trump
Realistically, has anyone (aside from maybe your grandmother) ever purchased a Chia-anything while sober? Whether or not you are voting for him or can't stand him, owning a Chia Donald Trump seems like a hilarious idea, but it's one of those things with limited shelf life. And if you do happen to be one of the people who doesn't like him, you're going to wonder why you basically have a shrine to him (and are growing him Chia hair) in a few months time. Even if you do like him, it may come across a little odd to your friends and family and leave them wondering if you need to quit drinking, period.
I Need My Shower Gel to Drip Out of a Large Nose
This is one heck of a drunken purchase. Let's hang a "runny nose" in the shower and see how it looks. While you're at it, you might as well buy some green soap for added hilarity. Just wait until it arrives and then realize that you have a runny nose soap dispenser you have to install (or accept that you bought something incredibly stupid and give up). Will you truly be comfortable pressing on it to deliver the soap you wash your body with on a daily basis? You may find yourself needing a drink just to get through your shower time.
Seriously, I Was There to Defend the Ewoks
We all love Han, Chewy, and the gang. And this Star Wars Accordion Sunshade is pretty funny. Perhaps not something you'd actively seek out or go to a store to purchase, but it's also not the worst thing you could drunk buy on Amazon either. It's actually pretty useful! Your car will stay cooler when parked in the sun and end up much more comfortable to get into on a hot, sunny day. You will even be able to touch the steering wheel as soon as you get in without sustaining third-degree burns. And, hey, people will get a laugh when they walk or drive past your car because everyone recognizes the characters. This is probably one of the more practical things you could impulse buy when you've had a few sips too many and find yourself in an Amazon vortex.
What's More Patriotic than Flip Flops on a Flag?
While it may appear to be a reasonable enough drunk purchase (after all, cute patriotic flip flops would look great all summer long, or for the 4th of July, barbecues, the beach, or anywhere really) is actually a pretty odd garden flag that doesn't even come with a flag pole. We'll ignore that the star on each of the flip flops kind of looks like it was drawn by a kindergarten kid...because they're still pretty nice. And $12 is a great price for a pair of flip flops. But, again, at the end of the day, it's not actually a pair of shoes, it's a burlap garden flag with a drawing of sandals.
Some people really like pickles. And some really like yodelling. Why not combine the two in an electronic pickle that actually has a selling point that reads, "great gift for the person who has everything but a yodelling pickle." When you get that far in life, do people even bother to bring you gifts? We'd give up if we had to resort to this, but there is something amusing about imagining the look on the face of a relative opening it, carefully wrapped, on a holiday. If you're drunk. We suppose.
Silver Rifle Pendant
If you can't get enough guns, maybe this sterling silver M-16 pendant will be all you need. Does it shoot tiny necklace bullets? No. Does it do anything? Not really, other than show you love guns. A lot. The way people wear lockets and such around their necks. We're not judging. We're just suggesting you maybe don't wear this drunk purchase to your next job interview. Just in case.
They Won't Make Me Sick, So I'm Going To Eat Them All
Ahhh...the infamous sugar-free gummies that are known for making people sick. After eating the whole bag. When you've imbibed a bit too much, you tend to be excited by anything that's an internet sensation and the idea of buying five pounds of gummy butterflies that are notorious for their ability to make people ill is 100% drunken thinking. "They won't make me sick" coupled with "Let's see if eating the whole bag does" curiosity works on so many levels when you're drinking too much. The people who try things like this are lucky Amazon usually takes a day or two to deliver an item, as they should have sobered up by the time the gummies arrive.
Nobody Will Ever Know I'm Not This Buff
A few too many beers isn't known for helping with achieving that authentic, real-life six-pack. Those beers are a great way to end up buying a male chest plate, though. And sober people can look at this and realize it's as realistic as the strong man costume at the Halloween store. Nonetheless, lots of men will be drunk enough to think "Yeah, I am going to look awesome in this." It only has edges and feels like plastic, which is perfect should someone reach up the shirt covering it.
Bright Purple Hair Would Rock
Purple hair totally make sense, except for all of the occasions when it doesn't, like when this long, curly wig arrives on your doorstep and you have no idea what to do with it. You start to notice people staring at you funny when you wear it. You don't even have any idea how to put a wig on your head. What are those weird straps inside for? Do they go around your chin? Probably not. Why does your natural hair keep hanging out? And yet you now have a neon purple wig and no idea why you chose it. Who doesn't love drunken shopping?
Everyone Knows This Shirt Is Funny
Unfortunately, everyone knows this shirt because it is one of the first items to go viral on Amazon. It's been worn on television shows and referenced all over social media for years. But that's what makes it a fun drunken purchase...it's been a thing for years. Although, when you sober up, you might find that it's not funny at all, and actually, kind of as lame as the original reviewer found it. (In fairness, we don't think it is that bad; some people just really like three wolves on a shirt.) When it arrives at your door, open it, sigh, and accept it. We all need something to wear to bed, after all.
I Am Going to Look So Rich and Elegant
This absurdly large faux pearl cocktail ring will look like you are about to fall over from the weight of the ridiculously large ring on whichever hand you wear it on. Never mind that a real pearl of that size probably doesn't even exist. There are sea mariners who dream of finding those and never do. So, nobody will ever think this ring is real, even if you try to convince them it is. We hate to break it to you, but what did you expect for less than $50?
Fancy People Wear Hats
Even if you are, somehow, going to the Kentucky Derby, this hat is crazy looking. It's certainly pretty, but on what occasion will you ever wear it? Most people don't have any reason to own a feathered race hat. It's a bit much for a lunch (or dinner) date...or even the beach. It's just huge. And crazy. But, at the same time, so alluring after three rounds of drinks. You know you can make it work. The margaritas told you so. That said, it might look nice as a wreath or some sort of holiday decoration.
There Is No Way These Could Possibly Hurt Me
Yes, these are awesome looking shoes. But do you ever cross your legs? Sit in a yoga position? Suddenly, shoes with legitimate spikes (not soft, fake ones) seem like the worst thing ever. You even cut your hand taking them on and off. They're totally cute and in fashion, but realistically, how do you deal with the spikes? You can't, but that's sober logic. Go for them and you'll find yourself needing to tread carefully, if you can even figure out a time and place they'd be appropriate footwear.
Amazon.com is truly a thing to behold. Many of us have stocked our homes with great products from them, from books to area rugs to collectibles. But, as we discovered, there is a lot more fun to be had when you to take one sip too many and click "add to cart" and buy.